Raising a College Kid: A US College Consultant Answers 10 Questions Every Parent Is Actually Asking

From affording tuition to managing stress, from standing out in a competitive pool to knowing when to push and when to step back, Bennett’s college counselor and COO Jayne Gandy shares what two decades of guiding families (and raising her own teenagers) have taught her.

The college admissions process has a way of consuming an entire family. It’s not just the applications, the essays, and the deadlines. It’s the daily question of how to be the right kind of parent at one of the most high-pressure moments in your child’s life. How much do you help? How much do you step back? What do you even need to understand about this process to be useful?

We sat down with Jayne Gandy, Bennett International’s COO and one of its most experienced college counselors, to talk through the questions that parents are actually asking. Jayne joined Bennett in 2005 as a college and university counseling specialist and has since extended her expertise to include Pre-K through 12th-grade placement across the US. Before joining Bennett, she was a school and college counselor at a highly competitive public high school in Pennsylvania and worked as an academic advisor to incoming students at the University of Delaware. She holds a Bachelor’s degree from Rutgers University and a Master of Education from the University of Delaware.

Jayne is also the parent of a college junior and a recent high school senior, which means she’s been on both sides of every question in this conversation. That perspective, professional expertise layered with the real, sometimes messy experience of being a parent going through it, shapes everything she has to say here.

Watch the full video interview:

How can we afford college, and what financial aid options are available?

It’s a really good question and one a lot of people have right now, because college is expensive. Affordability is something a lot of families are genuinely concerned about.

In terms of planning, I think starting early is key. If saving is an option, that’s great. If it hasn’t happened, which is the case for many of us, then understanding the difference between merit aid and need-based financial aid is really important.

Merit aid is awarded based on a student’s achievements. Colleges use it to attract students they particularly want to enroll, often in the form of scholarships or grants. Need-based financial aid, on the other hand, is determined by a family’s income and financial situation. The FAFSA and CSS Profile, which many people have heard of, is what helps determine that.

So think about and try to understand need-based versus merit aid, because that will help you figure out which schools might make the most sense for your family to consider.

How important are grades, course rigor, and GPA compared to other factors?

Grades continue to be the most important factor for colleges when looking at applications. They really want to see how you’ve done in the curriculum where you are. And along with that, the rigor matters. The level of coursework you’ve taken.

Ideally, you’d combine those two: challenging classes that meet your needs, and strong performance in those classes. The other pieces, the activities, the volunteer work, those all come into play as well, because schools really do want to see the full picture of who a student is. They want to see how you’d contribute to their campus community, because they’re looking for students who are going to be involved and take advantage of the opportunities available to them.

And it’s worth noting that some schools are bringing back the SAT, so that’s something to keep an eye on. It’s ever-changing.

Do SAT and ACT scores still matter? Should my child take them?

This is a question I get all the time, and the honest answer is: it depends. It depends on the student, their list of schools, and how they did on the PSAT or PreACT.

In general, I would say take them. Take them as a baseline. It won’t hurt you to have taken them. But know that they may not be required at every school, and you may choose not to submit them if they’re not in the range for the schools you’re looking at.

I also say take them because schools are ever-changing on this. Some are telling us right now that they will require them, so it’s something to keep an eye on. Depending on the student, I might have different answers, but as a general rule, having a score in your pocket gives you options.

How many colleges should my child apply to, and how do we build a balanced list?

This is a tough one because it really does depend on the student. And I’ll say that in my opinion, the number that many students are applying to has gotten a little out of hand. But I get it. I have a high school senior, so I understand what it’s like out there right now.

The more work you can do ahead of time to understand the whole system, the better positioned you’ll be to narrow down the list. Visit schools. Get a feel for what your child actually responds to. Are they drawn to big, “rah-rah” university energy, or would they thrive with smaller classes and a smaller campus? The more your child understands themselves and their values, the easier this process becomes.

In terms of numbers, if you’re applying to a lot of highly selective schools where the acceptance rate is really low, I understand that the list is going to be longer. You’re somewhat throwing a dart at the wall and hoping something lands, even as a completely qualified applicant. But when it comes to the “likely” schools, there’s no reason to have five to ten of them. Pick a couple you know you’d genuinely be happy at. If you can’t see yourself there, don’t apply. Try to find likely schools where you’d actually thrive.

How do we determine the right fit, academically, socially, and financially?

That’s what we’re all looking for, right? A place where our kids will thrive and flourish and grow, meet friends, and from where they will get a job at some point with their college degree.

Finding the right fit starts with knowing your child. And it starts with them knowing themselves. The more a student understands their own values and what’s important to them, the easier this process can actually be. And parents are huge in that process. Talking through it together, showing them a big university and then a small private liberal arts school, and having honest conversations about the financial situation early on.

That financial conversation varies a lot from family to family, and that’s okay. I always recommend having those conversations early so the student is really aware of what could be options and what might not be. The more you understand the system of financial aid and merit money and the whole admissions process, the better you’re going to be able to figure out the total fit for your child.

What do the terms “Early Decision” and “Early Action” actually mean?

This is important to understand. Early Decision means you apply early, and if you’re accepted, it’s binding. You’re going there. It’s great for students who have really done their homework and found a school that just feels right. The fit, the major, the climate, the vibe, the financial picture. All of it lines up. You apply, you’re admitted, case closed. Done.

The thing to understand about Early Decision, however, is that you’re committing. You withdraw the rest of your applications. You won’t see if financial aid or merit offers might be better elsewhere. You’re going with that offer.

Early Action is you apply early and hear back earlier than regular decision, but it’s not binding. You don’t have to accept. You can then see what else lands on the table for you in the spring.

Both are good options depending on the needs of the student and the family.

How can my child stand out in a competitive applicant pool?

Good question, and one that a lot of people are trying to figure out. I would say the best way is to have a “hook.” I’ve seen students who are excellent athletes stand out. I’ve seen students who are deeply involved with specific causes or who volunteer extensively. Students who’ve done significant research in a particular area, maybe even published research, they stand out.

The way I think about it is this: if there’s someone else in your school who’s doing the same things your child is doing, your child is probably not standing out in a highly selective applicant pool. That’s not to say those things aren’t great, and if your child is enjoying them, they should absolutely continue. But if the question is how to stand out, that’s a good way to assess it on your own. If two of their classmates are doing the same activities, it’s probably not going to differentiate them when thousands of like-minded students are applying for the same spots.

Who should write recommendation letters, and what makes them strong?

Recommendation letters should be written by someone who knows the student well. That’s probably obvious, but it matters more than people think. It needs to go deeper than “they were in my class and they had an A.” You want someone who’s going to give specific examples of how your child contributed to the classroom, what kind of energy they brought, whether they helped other students, how they engaged in discussions or debates.

A teacher, a coach, a counselor. Someone who really knows the student. I would say probably not a senior-year teacher if they’ve only had your child for that year, because you’re only going to have two to three months in their class before you’re asking them to write about you. A teacher from 10th or 11th grade who had your student for a full year, or maybe even coached them and taught them, is going to carry much more weight.

How involved should I be as a parent in this process?

I would say parents can be involved. I sometimes hear the advice that you shouldn’t be involved at all, and honestly, that’s difficult. I have a senior right now, so I went through this. These kids are playing sports, they’re involved in extracurriculars, they’re going to class, they’re trying to enjoy their last year, and then they have this whole other thing thrown on them.

And here’s something people don’t always consider: this entire process runs through email and portals, and checking email is not something these kids do. They have Snapchat and text. So, this whole system of email-based communication, which is genuinely important, is new to them. And they’re using the same email address for their college applications that they use for their American Eagle and Sephora coupons. So yes, important things get lost.

I think the best approach is to talk to your child upfront about how you can best work on this together. Where can you help? Maybe it’s keeping the emails organized. Maybe it’s helping them track deadlines. Maybe it’s just making their lunch every day so that’s one less thing on their plate. The goal is for them to feel like they achieved this, but with you as a real partner. Figure out what works for your child and give them the tools to manage it, while being there when they need the backup.

How can we support our child’s mental health and manage stress during this process?

The stress is real. They have so much on their plates. And it’s a process where they don’t really know what the outcome is going to be. Maybe they’ve done everything right and they still don’t know if it’s going to be a yes. That in itself is overwhelming, especially for super high-achieving students.

I think acknowledging all of that to your son or daughter is important. They’re writing tons of essays, lots of short answers, asking for recommendations, still doing all their activities and sports and volunteer work and research, still trying to get high marks, preparing for AP exams. Just acknowledging the weight of all that matters.

Communicate early. Say, “I know we’re going into this. I know it’s going to be a lot. I’m here to help you, and I’m also here to push you.” I think that combination of support and push is key, but understanding your child and knowing where the helping ends and the pushing starts, and when to stop pushing, is really important. Every student is different on that. I have two kids, one in college and one just finishing high school, and they were very different in terms of the approach. Only you as a parent will know, and I think you have to trust your instinct after knowing your child for 18 years.

How can a college consultant make this process easier?

It’s your child’s senior year. It’s the last year you have with them. And the last thing you want is for this process to define the entire year. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve even had stretches of it with my own kids.

Having someone else do the nagging is gold. And it does tend to fall on us moms, at least from conversations with my friends and the families I’ve worked with. But here’s the thing: they the students we work with listen to us. When I ask a student to get an essay to me by a deadline, they do it. Because these are wonderful kids who respect adults and authority. They’re happy to get it to me. Whereas a parent might nag and nag, and maybe get an eye roll when they eventually send it to you.

I think it’s nice to have a partner in this. Someone the parents can vent to. Someone the student can talk through options with. But honestly, the biggest thing for me is that having a consultant allows your relationship with your child to just be about enjoying that senior year. That last hurrah together. Because otherwise, the college process takes up most of it. Applications are due in November and January, decisions come in March, you’re hitting up accepted student days in April, and then it’s prom, graduation, and they’re gone. If someone else is helping to manage that process, you get to just be mom or dad.

You can’t get that time back.

For parents just getting started, what’s your first piece of advice?

As a first step, I think it’s a great idea to visit a few campuses with no pressure behind it. Maybe in ninth or 10th grade, just visit a couple of schools. I wouldn’t recommend starting with a highly selective school, because if it’s never going to be an option, the whole process might feel like it’s all downhill from there.

Just go to what’s easy and local. When we did it, we visited the University of Delaware, we went to the places we graduated from, and when we were on vacation in Williamsburg, we walked through William and Mary. Casual. The idea is for them to start getting a feel for what a campus even is. What do different campuses look like? What feels right? What’s the distance like? When we visited schools, we’d talk about the drive. Four and a half hours. What did that feel like? Because this is how long it would take every time you come home for Thanksgiving, for fall break, for spring break.

Start early. Have small conversations. And if they have a particular major in mind, do some research and connect them with their school counselor. There are a lot of resources already available within public and private schools that students can really benefit from.

Jayne Gandy is Bennett International’s COO and one of the company’s most experienced college counselors. She joined Bennett in 2005 as a specialist in college and university counseling and has since extended her expertise to include Pre-K through 12th-grade school placement throughout the US. Prior to joining Bennett, Jayne was a school and college counselor at a highly competitive public high school in Pennsylvania and worked as an academic advisor to incoming students at the University of Delaware. She holds a Bachelor’s degree from Rutgers University and a Master of Education from the University of Delaware. Jayne is also a passionate advocate for student athletes navigating the college recruiting process. When she’s not guiding families through admissions, she can be found on the sidelines, cheering on her own kids.

Bennett International Education Consultancy works directly with hundreds of families each year across the globe. We support families by helping them make informed decisions about the best-fit schools for their children; with our guidance, they secure placement in preschools, private day schools, public/state schools, boarding schools, colleges and universities, including schools with particular programs, such as special needs support.