Choosing a private school for your children is a very personal decision, an emotional journey filled with exploration, anticipation, and, sometimes, unexpected clarity. Lots of schools look good on paper, but how do you find the ‘right fit’ for your child, one that facilitates their success and happiness in school and in life?
There may be some ‘non-negotiables’ for you and your family:
Private schools often have distinct education philosophies, such as Montessori, Waldorf, classical, etc. You should ensure that the school's approach aligns with your child's unique learning style and that their academic interests would be deeply nourished there. If your child has specific needs—a learning difference or a physical disability—you will need to ensure that the school has the necessary resources and expertise to support them.
Is your child a physics whiz kid? Does she spend all of her waking hours reading Shakespeare? A school that will fulfill her intellectually should offer advanced programs or opportunities in those fields. Likewise, if your child is a budding tennis player, he'll need great facilities, and, for a modern-day Van Gogh, excellent art programs are an absolute must.
Your child gets anxious and cannot reach their true potential in an overly competitive environment. You know that the ideal school for them would be one that challenges them but doesn't overwhelm them. You might find a school with the perfect blend—a place where students are encouraged to strive for excellence, but which also has a robust support system in place for when they falter.
A friendly, warm, and cozy feeling is important to make your child and your family feel 'at home'. You might notice it in the way students greet each other in the hallways or how teachers engage with their students with genuine interest. Maybe it's in the warmth of the parent community or the way that the school fosters inclusivity and belonging. You know that this is a place where your family will be known, supported, and welcomed.
The most telling "aha!" moment for some parents might come from their child. Whether it's a school tour, an open house, or a shadow day, they may see a child's eyes light up and talk excitedly about what they saw on their visit.
For many families, there is a moment where everything clicks—a sudden, almost magical, realization that a particular school is the right, or wrong, fit for their child.
Tim’s story below beautifully illustrates how this moment clicked, with opposite outcomes, for two different families.
A few years ago, I was sitting in the bleachers watching my daughter’s basketball game, biting my nails as the game was agonizingly close with just minutes left to play. Suddenly her team coach called a substitution timeout; off went two of the star players, and in their place came two kids who…well, let’s just say we won’t be seeing them in the WNBA. But they had had very little court time in that game, and our school was committed to an environment of full participation and teamwork. A school for all faiths but with distinct Episcopal roots, it’s a place where everyone plays. Everyone is a star.
Although I tried to hide it, inside I was crestfallen and a little incredulous. Victory, which had seemed so close at hand, started to slip away. It felt unfair. But the reaction of the other players at courtside and the students and families in the bleachers reminded me why our children attended that school. There was no indication of disappointment but instead shouts of support and loud cheers. We lost the game, but you would not have known it from the cheering section. I felt a little ashamed of myself for my initial reaction and was relieved I hadn’t given myself away.
Shortly afterwards, one of my neighbors told me that he and his wife were about to start a school search on behalf of their child, and they wanted my thoughts about my daughter’s school. This guy had a high-stress job on Wall Street and tended to be very blunt and intensely competitive about everything from casual card games to, well, just about anything. For him, it was as Yogi Berra famously said: “It’s not whether you win or lose. It’s whether you win.”
As I pondered my response to his question, I suddenly imagined him in the bleachers at that basketball game. In my mind I could hear him shouting in disbelief, questioning the coach’s judgment—and probably the legitimacy of her birth, too. I suddenly realized that I had an insight into this elusive thing we call “fit.” My neighbor and his child were wonderful, decent people, and their sense of the benefits of competitiveness is something shared by many people, especially in New York City. The real world, after all, can be a tough place, and there is a value to learning that lesson early in life. And there are certainly schools in New York where the best players would have been kept on that court so the game could be won.
I told my neighbor that my daughters’ school was a wonderful place, and we were very happy there, but I thought he and his family might find it a little frustrating at times. He looked at me and said, “Huh?” I told him that perhaps the school was not completely aligned with his philosophy of winning and losing. He still had a puzzled look on his face as I tried to better explain the point I was trying to make. Finally, I told him the story of the basketball game. He burst out laughing and said, “No way! I would have screamed. Glad I wasn’t there. I guess we’re not a fit.”
Amen.
By Emma Hoffman with Timothy Dwyer
Emma Hoffman is an experienced Bennett
consultant who currently lives outside of Philadelphia. She is a true TCK (Third Culture Kid) and has lived all over the world. Her experiences as a student in many different countries, an educator, and a parent bring a great deal of empathy and knowledge to each family she works with.
Emma also has a fantastic sense of humor, which is always helpful when working with families and students!
Timothy Dwyer, President
To read more about our top-flight team of consultants, please see here.
Bennett International Education Consultancy works directly with hundreds of families each year across the globe. We support families by helping them make informed decisions about the best-fit schools for their children; with our guidance, they secure placement in preschools, private day schools, public/state schools, boarding schools, colleges & universities, including schools with particular programs, such as special needs support.